When relationships break down and you find yourself wanting differently, you might find yourself thinking …

"nothing ever changes...",
"they just don't get it..."
"they just don’t understand me..."
"they will never change..."
"he/she is …. (negative comment)..."

Mostly you find yourself focusing so much on how the other persons words, actions, and behaviours are the reason for you being so unhappy. You find yourself not getting what you want in the relationship and simply being disappointed that it’s not going how you wanted.

In your mind, the basis for your initial complaint may be one of many things, including:

- not being treated in a particular way
- not being heard or understood
- not being loved in a particular way
- not being recognised, or acknowledge
- not being given time
- not being considered
- not being respect
…to name a few.

Understandably, after trying repeatedly to get your point across you may feel as if there is no hope and no answer to your situation and that simply the other person is never going to change. It can leave you feeling resentful, indifferent and even frustrated, where most days the balance of reasons doesn’t point to staying in the relationship . It can seem like you're “stuck,” with no alternative.

To put things into perspective, there are a few important things to understand about how we create our reality.
1. OUR THOUGHTS
Our thoughts, if given focus for more than 16-seconds gains momentum. If you’ve been giving your thoughts a good amount of energy, the chances are you are far more emotional than rational about whatever it is that bothers you. Remember, what you focus on grows so it might be a good idea to practice letting go to bring yourself into balance.
A letting go exercise to try :
Write down on a piece of paper all the things you aren’t happy with. Identify if it’s an expectation, disappointment or pain. Understanding that none of these things help you, on another piece of paper, write down “I let go of the expectation of……” “I let go of the hurt I’ve experienced when…” “I let go of the feelings of being let down when …”
In order to learn to let go, we need to practice speaking it, visualising it, and doing it. Without giving energy towards actually letting go, nothing changes. Repeat this exercise daily to feel the full affect within 30 days!

2. OUR EMOTIONS
Emotion is energy in motion and certainly does NOT need to be linked together with our thoughts each time. Meaning to say, if you experience an emotion it doesn’t need to be backed by thoughts that creates a belief about someone or yourself. If we are irritated, its our own personal response to something, not the person. Your responses and reactions come from within you.

- Your thoughts are your own (if you choose to think negatively or positively, the choice is yours)
- Your emotions are your own (if you choose to perpetuate a negative feeling, the choice is yours)
- Your behaviour is your now (no one “makes you” behave in a certain way, it is your body, you are in charge of how you behave!) Your decision to act out in an unhelpful way out of anger is still your way to express your emotion. How you release the emotion is up to you. Choose to release your emotion by exercising, going for a walk in fresh air, closing your eyes and taking deep breathes. Repeat until the emotions slow down, feel less intense and eventually go away.

3. TRIGGERS
If something triggers us in a way that our immediate reaction is defensiveness, irritation, or even anger, it’s likely something that has existed prior to the relationship at hand. Think about the past and when you may have been triggered by something similar. Can you identify when it started? Can you see other circumstances unrelated to your relationship where the trigger has affected you? Can you agree that your interaction in your relationship is not the only reason but simply another circumstance in which your own triggers are set off? If this is the case, it’s important to see the pattern. By understanding the pattern that exists, you can gain insight into what causes you to feel so uncomfortable. Choose to take responsibility for your own triggers and choose not to take your reaction out on others.

4. BECOMING RESPONSIBLE
Getting a hold of our emotions and thoughts is our responsibility and a priority. Even if someone has said something that is unkind, a negative reaction that causes momentum and builds tension is still a choice. There is always an opportunity to respond differently.

What can help you to respond differently?
Perhaps pausing, going for a walk, taking a timeout. Or maybe what you may need to focus on is more self-love and self-care to bring you back to balance. By ensuring you feel your best, this is you being responsible for your own wellbeing.

The key to transforming our relationship lies firstly in transforming our inner-world.

Our environment and relationships respond to our inner-world, and how we feel about ourself. If you keep on creating negative momentum with the thoughts you think about the other, the emotions that follow back up those thoughts creating a negative vibration that, with more focus, only grows.

If you are wanting differently, it’s important to start with wanting to feel differently. If you don’t enjoy the interaction you have with another, you may need to:
1. Draw boundaries about what you are willing to give and receive, as feeling good is a non-negotiable!
2. Learn to realise when YOU are responsible for drawing the sword and inviting in tension.
3. Choose to act positively towards situations by letting go of the past and meeting the situation with fresh eyes.
4. Realise that the only thing that matters is the present. How are you being your best you in the present?
5. Choosing compassion and understanding as a change of tone. If you keep repeating what you’ve done in the past, you can’t expect differently!

LEARNING TO LET GO AS KEY
If you are unable to let go of something they have done in the past, you need to see it as baggage! This is something that YOU are carrying, by your choice to feel emotive about the past. This burdens you, and not the other. Instead of carrying the burden, choose to liberate yourself as you are free in any moment to do so.

When you are consistent in your vibration you will see how your relationships quickly transform. The simple tweaks in your interaction can have a ripple affect on the rest of your relationship. Less hostility, blame and defensiveness can mean more opportunity for reconnection, opening up the heart again, and possibility to regain trust, friendship and intimacy. When you are different, others respond differently. It starts with you, how you feel, and YOUR conscious decision to feel good.

It’s important to remember the golden rule that everything is vibration, that WE CREATE OUR REALITY, therefore we have the power to change it.

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For coaching and guidance on something you might be going through, feel free to get in touch with Coach Jo Anne Zamora for a complimentary 15-minute discovery call.