Relationship Arguments. 4 Strategies To Feel Better When You Don't See Eye to Eye.
When we don’t see eye to eye with somebody we love, it hurts.
THE ARGUMENT WAR
Negative reactions in disagreements can set off many emotional triggers that lead us to relive past trauma and feel unloved. Triggers can have us feeling disrespected, not valued, left to carry the burden, tired from repetitive discussions, or in total despair.
Yes - it is true that relationships challenge us; Yes, it is true that they are one of our best life teachers; Yes, it is true that through the challenge we experience, we can grow and heal.
CHOOSE THE PATH
We can choose to prolong discomfort by thinking negatively, or we can choose to let go of what we cannot control and take steps towards self-compassion, understanding, growth and, self-love. Remember, we cannot control what others think, say or do, but we can control how we think, what we say and what we do. Moving towards feeling better is a choice which we hold.
GETTING THROUGH THE HURT
As we allow emotions to move through us, we allow hurt to become less intense. When we become present and are conscious of our thoughts, we can identify what thoughts intensify hurt and choose to think differently - our choice empowers us. With practice, we realise that we can comfort and calm ourselves, provide the support, nurture and care we need to ease the hurt. Just as a mother holds her child tenderly in her arms, her presence is comforting and calming, so too can we embrace ourselves with love and tenderness and soothe our pain.
By practising self-soothing, we strengthen self-love. We build a place within us that is our very own sanctuary; a home of unconditional love and security.
4 strategies to feel better when you don’t see eye to eye:
1. Take responsibility for your role in the disagreement. Take responsibility for your unhelpful thoughts, emotions, words and actions. When we think negatively, we feel negative, and more than likely, we act negatively! You may think that the other is to blame for stirring you up, and yes you might feel hurt by something they have said or done, but at every moment you have an opportunity not to add fuel to the fire. More fuel equals more fire!
Choose not to use language that exasperates your partner and fuels your frustration. If you feel as though the frustration is stronger than you, withdraw for a moment before you can say something that is not negatively charged.
2. Learning to let go when things are going nowhere. Persisting with hurtful comments, blame, accusations, complaints, and criticisms will more often than not spiral downward. By stepping back and having a timeout, you are giving yourselves the breather you both need to gain back some sense of balance. By letting go, you are taking responsibility for yourself. Letting go does not mean giving up. It means actively choosing to feel better in that moment. Mention to your partner that it would be beneficial to take a timeout to calm down and that it would be better to revisit the topic at a time when you are both relaxed and can speak from your best selves. When you feel better, evaluate if it is worth talking about. Do an ego check to see if the reason you want to revisit the topic is to prove a point. If so, it would be a good idea to let it all go. It’s important to realise that nothing is gained from an ego battle of right and wrong and everything is gained when you show up being compassionate, understanding and loving. Afterall, the point of relationships is to be your best self.
3. Taking on a mindset of compassion, growth, and understanding with your partner. You might think you know your partner well and you might know what they are going to say, but nothing good comes from assumptions. Take a breathe and choose to take a positive approach and to be understanding. There is always something to learn by listening intently with a desire to understand together with giving your partner space to communicate freely. By doing so, you move away from a position of defensiveness, anger and hostility and allow for openness and flow. Try to hear the needs of your partner, the essence of what they are saying. There might be a deeper reason for what they are saying so try to stick to asking questions with a calm voice. If you start to get annoyed and prod, it’s best to check how you’re feeling and if you aren’t calm, take a timeout!
4. When you hurt, choose to self-soothe. If both of you are hurting, trying to work things out together may well end in more arguments. Most likely, you or your partner on some level are expecting understanding, support, comfort, love, care, compassion or affection and neither can give any of it. Remember you cannot give from an empty cup! At this moment, don’t despair. BREATHE, practice patience and have faith that with time all will harmonise. It is essential to take care of yourself. Shift your focus inward and think about what ways you know makes you feel better. You might want to make a list of all the things that improve how you feel. For example, your favourite music, moving your body (exercise, dance, running etc.), meditating and journaling your thoughts and feelings, going out into nature, being creative, making art, watching something funny, reading some uplifting affirmations and even talking to someone positive. All of these practices lift your energy and move you from feeling negative back to feeling more balanced.
IN SUMMARY
The argument war takes us away from what feels natural, easy and good – loving ourselves and loving others. Our adverse reactions and emotional triggers bring us to a battleground with weapons, where our ego is ready to defend and protect what we fear losing – our personal power, our sense of worth and our self-confidence. But when we realise that none of those can be taken away, but given away when we decide to leave our hearts and enter the ego mind, we realise that there is never a need for an argument war when we are self-loving, and our whole and true self. When we learn to self-soothe, we are choosing self-love, and when we self-love, we are nourishing the sacred inner space that provides us with absolute security and confidence. By the practice of self-soothing and self-love, we can reduce the intensity of negative emotions linked to our triggers, so we need not feel the lack of love and support at any moment of our life because we know how to provide ourselves with everything we need.
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For coaching and guidance on something you might be going through, feel free to get in touch with Coach Jo Anne Zamora for a complimentary 15-minute discovery call.
